“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139 gets me every time. Like most good Christian girls, I was given a rad pink Bible with flowers on it and rainbow Bible tabs when I was seven or so. It could also serve as a prop in a low budget production of Hair, but that is neither here nor there... nor Hair. (Okay, sorry, I’m done.)
That Bible was where I first encountered many “life verses.” It was my venture past the Gold and Honey picture Bible. With it, I set sail as a young voyager to peek into the stories I still try to unpack, my sense of wonder growing every time. Picture opening a bunch of Prime orders, but the packing goes from bubble wrap to bubble gum to actual bubbles to bottles of bubbly LaCroix. That’s my mental picture of unpacking bliss. I’ll leave you to create your own.
I remember seeing Psalm 139 highlighted by whatever Christian publishing company it was that thought flowery tie dye was the new moleskin. And I soon went in to underline it myself. Even my seven-year-old self was in awe that my Creator was with me from the beginning and saw me as His work; His own little knitting project that turned into something He called wonderful.
But for the Lord to search me and know me, to perceive my thoughts from afar, to be so familiar with me that He knows my words before I even say them... Does He really want to know me that well? David also mentions in the Psalm that God is everywhere. Whether he goes to the heavens or to the depths, he can never get away from God. Even when he’s in the dark and sure that he will be hidden, “even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.”
There are times where I wanted to hide my face from God. And if not my face, at least my thoughts, feelings, or selfish ambitions. I have not respected my own body or mind as a wonderful work of God. I’ve ignored the responsibility I have as His daughter to not only praise Him, but to also appreciate His creation.
It’s much easier to criticize than to appreciate. After all, the gospel of self-improvement is preached to us day in and day out. Beauty products, gym memberships, organizational zen, health improvers and mood boosters and detoxes intoxicate us with the high we get from making what was once drab into something fab. Maybe we were even told that in order for God to enter our lives, we needed to give our hearts and priorities a little dusting off.
But here’s the thing: He knew us in the secret place. “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” And having written the story already, He is still patient and willing to walk with us every step of the way. It’s a Father knowing exactly what the kids are unwrapping, but still riding the ebbs and flows of excitement as they continue to unpack the mountains of bubble wrap that spew out of Santa’s Prime box.
God pursued me and continues to pursue me every day. Even when I get frustrated and my focus turns to anxiety. Even when I entertain the comparisons that so easily give way to jealousy. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me; and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Before and behind. When I sit and when I rise. When I sleep and when I wake. Nothing can separate.
It gets me thinking: God created that inmost being and loves it. Why not try to get back to our inmost beings? Those beings are probably the ones without inhibition or judgement. They are probably the beings that hold the most creativity, the most bravery, and the least embarrassment. It’s like the little kids who aren’t afraid to run around naked and try the “cookies” they made out of play dough. Why can’t we go back to that place of raw and blessed communion with our Creator?
Inmost: deepest within; farthest from the outside
Esse: (Latin) “to be,” essential nature or essence
What’s really, truly the deepest within? It was that being that God initially loved and cared for. And what is in our essential nature? Can we just take a moment “to be,” and then take two moments, and eventually work our way up into simply being the wonderful works God designed?
Inmost Esse. Let’s find a way to be the inmost being that God deems worthy of relentless pursuit.