Inmost Esse 1

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139 gets me every time. Like most good Christian girls, I was given a rad pink Bible with flowers on it and rainbow Bible tabs when I was seven or so. It could also serve as a prop in a low budget production of Hair, but that is neither here nor there... nor Hair. (Okay, sorry, I’m done.)

That Bible was where I first encountered many “life verses.” It was my venture past the Gold and Honey picture Bible. With it, I set sail as a young voyager to peek into the stories I still try to unpack, my sense of wonder growing every time. Picture opening a bunch of Prime orders, but the packing goes from bubble wrap to bubble gum to actual bubbles to bottles of bubbly LaCroix. That’s my mental picture of unpacking bliss. I’ll leave you to create your own.

I remember seeing Psalm 139 highlighted by whatever Christian publishing company it was that thought flowery tie dye was the new moleskin. And I soon went in to underline it myself. Even my seven-year-old self was in awe that my Creator was with me from the beginning and saw me as His work; His own little knitting project that turned into something He called wonderful.

But for the Lord to search me and know me, to perceive my thoughts from afar, to be so familiar with me that He knows my words before I even say them... Does He really want to know me that well? David also mentions in the Psalm that God is everywhere. Whether he goes to the heavens or to the depths, he can never get away from God. Even when he’s in the dark and sure that he will be hidden, “even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.”

There are times where I wanted to hide my face from God. And if not my face, at least my thoughts, feelings, or selfish ambitions. I have not respected my own body or mind as a wonderful work of God. I’ve ignored the responsibility I have as His daughter to not only praise Him, but to also appreciate His creation.

It’s much easier to criticize than to appreciate. After all, the gospel of self-improvement is preached to us day in and day out. Beauty products, gym memberships, organizational zen, health improvers and mood boosters and detoxes intoxicate us with the high we get from making what was once drab into something fab. Maybe we were even told that in order for God to enter our lives, we needed to give our hearts and priorities a little dusting off.

But here’s the thing: He knew us in the secret place. “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” And having written the story already, He is still patient and willing to walk with us every step of the way. It’s a Father knowing exactly what the kids are unwrapping, but still riding the ebbs and flows of excitement as they continue to unpack the mountains of bubble wrap that spew out of Santa’s Prime box.

God pursued me and continues to pursue me every day. Even when I get frustrated and my focus turns to anxiety. Even when I entertain the comparisons that so easily give way to jealousy. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me; and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Before and behind. When I sit and when I rise. When I sleep and when I wake. Nothing can separate.

It gets me thinking: God created that inmost being and loves it. Why not try to get back to our inmost beings? Those beings are probably the ones without inhibition or judgement. They are probably the beings that hold the most creativity, the most bravery, and the least embarrassment. It’s like the little kids who aren’t afraid to run around naked and try the “cookies” they made out of play dough. Why can’t we go back to that place of raw and blessed communion with our Creator?

Inmost: deepest within; farthest from the outside
Esse: (Latin) “to be,” essential nature or essence

What’s really, truly the deepest within? It was that being that God initially loved and cared for. And what is in our essential nature? Can we just take a moment “to be,” and then take two moments, and eventually work our way up into simply being the wonderful works God designed?

Inmost Esse. Let’s find a way to be the inmost being that God deems worthy of relentless pursuit.

Inmost Esse 2

“This is what the Lord says- He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen... One will say, ‘I belong to the Lord’; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; still another will write on his hand, ‘The Lord’s,’ and will take the name Israel.”

Isaiah 44 immediately follows a description of “God’s Mercy and Israel’s Unfaithfulness.” We are reminded of how God led the Israelites through the Red Sea and continued to provide streams in the wasteland. But, the Israelites failed to honor Him with the praise He deserved. And then the chapter starts, and we are hit over the head with God’s desire to call us His own. I love the picture of writing “The Lord’s” on one’s hand. And because of Jesus, we are all qualified to do so. We are all “The Lord’s.” The hands that built worthless idols, but also fold in prayer to find forgiveness. The hands that once were used to plot and destroy, but can be lifted up and clapped together in shouts of worship.

Think of the Lord knowing us from the womb- before our hands were fully formed, He saw the potential they had to worship and work for His glory. Later on in the chapter, we can see the description of someone making an idol. A blacksmith and a carpenter work tirelessly to hammer and chisel an idol, even neglecting their own health to do so... But “they know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand.” They are too ignorant to ask, “Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?” Their work was for naught. “He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him.”What are our hands used for? Are the words “The Lord’s” clearly visible by the works of our hands? Or is that inscription hidden by the mud and muck that builds up as we forge the ground to search for our own food while we ignore the manna that God provides; as we puff out our chests and build idols instead of bowing down in surrender to our Creator who says, “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”

I teach kids about the Bible every Sunday. And I’m often surprised by their ability to grasp the concepts some adults are too thick in the head to admit. When we learned about Aaron and the Israelites building a golden calf to worship, they were the ones to tell me how silly that was. After all, the Lord had just delivered them from captivity in Egypt. And they were the ones to tell me that sometimes we worship soccer games or money or Pokémon or LOL Dolls by putting them before God in our hearts. I’m not a huge Pokémon or soccer person, but I do spend a lot of time worrying about what impression I make on others. My hands are fidgeting as I ride the train to chase after the next job opportunity that might “change my life forever!” They shake as I fill out the paperwork or write the email or send the text that might “make me stop worrying!”

No. Those will never stop my worry or actually change my life. Because one email is just the start of a chain that will stress me out more and more; that will make me more tied to my phone and Apple Watch and whatever else I’ll be wearing on my wrist or head or ear from my last series of Black Friday transgressions at Costco.

What will CHANGE MY LIFE is writing “The Lord’s” on my hand. On the way to sign my name or shake some “influential” figure’s hand or insert my card for a new self-improvement product, I will see that it is busy building or acknowledging or worshipping a worthless idol. But all the while, God sees its potential to worship with creativity, intellect, and purity of heart.

God doesn’t take the fact that we have strayed and sweep it under the rug. He isn’t ashamed that His children are distracted and impatient and imperfect. “Return to me,” He says, “for I have redeemed you.”

Redeem: compensate for the faults or bad aspects

It doesn’t say that He erases us and starts over by making something perfect. He takes what is flawed and works to redeem it. He longs to work with what is broken and make it beautiful. He doesn’t chop off our stupid hands; He still uses what is scarred and tired and provides the refreshing we need to do good work.

I’m taking what I said a little earlier literally. I’m going to write “the Lord’s” on my hand and see where it takes me. As a compulsive hand-washer (especially in a sweaty New York summer... ew), I might need to do a few touch-ups. But I just want to see if a visual reminder will open me up for God to display His glory in the way I live. Mom always told me not to doodle on my hands or arms because it looked “dirty,” but I’m twenty-four... and this is not a doodle. This is a proclamation of my divine communion with my Creator. And if anyone has questions, I shall refer them to Isaiah 44. I’m not a product of the 90’s or my parents or my friend group or a state or a state of mind. I’m “the Lord’s.” He says so Himself.

Inmost Esse 3

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” “With man this is impossible, but not with God; with God all things are possible.” “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”

Take a look at Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, and Luke 18:27. Out of context, these verses can make you feel on top of the world. I remember reading these in those wonderful “2 minutes a day!” daily devotionals that convinced me I was both studying the Bible AND making time to play an extra round of Words with Friends on the bus. After reading quotes like these, I was ready to jump off cliffs and expect to fly through life with the impossibilities transformed into attainable goals.

Oh, sister.

While these quotes may look nice on a classroom poster with a little kitty lifting weights or a sloth reaching the finish line, I don’t think Jesus would have illustrated them in this way. Instead, it would look more like a poster of the Kardashians trading their Burberry for burlap... for the sake of the Gospel! (I know... the kitty was much cuter.)

But here’s the thing: Jesus made this statement after He talked to a rich young man. Mark even says this guy ran up to Jesus and fell on his knees to ask what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus replied by listing six of the Ten Commandments: “You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’” When the man insists he has kept all these commandments, Jesus throws in the real kicker. Mark even says He “looked at him and loved him.” I think He looked at him like a mother would look at a child who assumed adding eggs to a recipe meant dropping in the whole egg, shell and all, instead of cracking it first. Or that “cleaning your room” could be accomplished by shoving the dirty clothes under the bed.

Jesus said, “One thing you lack. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Then, the man went away sad, since he was so rich. Mark even says, “the man’s face fell.” I think good old Junior missed the mark a little (we shall call the rich young man/ruler “Junior” for the sake of consistency). Jesus (of course!) knew his weakness. Junior was totally ready to focus on the commandments he didn’t struggle with. He even said he kept them since he was a boy. But there were four commandments left that had a hold on his Achilles heel. So much so that he walked away from the Savior. Such a quick turn around from when he fell on his face in worship, huh?

I taught a bunch of kiddos about the first four commandments last Sunday. We focused on those first four commandments because those are the ones that tell us what we need to do to have the right relationship with God. By not having any other gods, not making idols, not misusing the name of the Lord, and remembering the Sabbath, we set ourselves up to honor God with reverence and respect. Jesus knew that these commandments were the ones that could be simmered down and applied to Junior’s life like so: “Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” And He had to know that because Junior didn’t have the right relationship with God, he would have to make a choice: to get out of his Tesla and choose to run down the dirt road with Jesus, or roll up his windows, turn around, and drive away seeking smoother pavement.

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all mention the story of the little children right before this. People ridiculed Jesus for spending His time with the little rascals, but “Jesus called the children to Him and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’”

Because Junior’s story immediately follows in all three of the books, and Mark describes his entrance happening “as Jesus started on His way,” I think it’s safe to picture Jesus putting down an innocent and trusting child and walking straight into this disappointing conversation. The contrast is so powerful. Kids (before too much worldly corruption) don’t struggle like we do with idols. If you haven’t worried about paying rent and buying the food you put in your face, it’s easy to rest on the Sabbath instead of sneaking in some work and sending a quick email in between worship and the sermon (“welcome time” is especially good for such tasks). Children, because their reliance on their parents is their reality, generally have an easier time making this reliance relevant in their relationship with their Creator.

Jesus goes on to say it’s easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for rich men to give up everything they have to follow God. In Mark, He even addresses His disciples as “children” when He says this. Maybe because they were the ones who were willing to put down their nets and leave their families and possessions to follow Him without question.

And THEN, He gives the real kicker. He lets them know that even though the process of truly following God can be hard and painful, it is possible. It could have been possible for rich little Junior if he had only been willing to listen. Possible: able to be done; within the power or capacity of someone or something

Let’s take a moment to notice that “possibility” does not mean it is done already. It’s able. It’s attainable. It’s the potential God sees that we might not notice in our dizzying and worldly distractions. But it also requires some manpower (or Godpower) to come into fruition.

“Impossible” is a song Brandy and Whitney sing in the carriage on the way to the ball. But it takes Cinderella giving up her inhibitions and getting the guts to put the dang slipper back on in front of everyone to make her identity as a princess possible. So maybe Cinderella gave up a little security in the moment to find a greater kingdom.

Not sure if that was the best reference, but I had to try.

Indeed, all things are possible with God. But let’s make our relationship right so we are able to stand up and run down the road with Him after falling on our knees, instead of going right back and joining Junior for tapas in his purgatory penthouse. Let’s give up security for the sake of possibility.

Inmost Esse 4

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.” (1 Peter 3:15-16)

Loud and proud or short and sweet or under the radar? How do I “Christian?” It might take a step back to see how you come off, both in the Lord’s eyes and in those of non-Christians.

Maybe it’s just me, but the majority of my friends would not consider themselves to be Christians. And that’s how it’s been most of my life. I’m a public school, arts college product that express-shipped to New York. Sometimes, I envy those Bible-belted seminary kids who only ever had a sandwich on Daily Bread. It’s easier to have Christian friends when your entire dorm flocks to church on Sunday mornings instead of hangover brunch spots.

Of course, it’s important to be a part of Christian community and fellowship. But early Christians didn’t live in the confines of Bible camp. It was (and is) impossible. In 1 Peter, Peter addresses “God’s elect, strangers in the world,” who have been “scattered.” And isn’t that the way Christians should be? The image of seeds being scattered around land that will eventually turn into fields is such a beautiful picture of the way tiny little nothings can turn into something of bounty. And as awesome as this is, it is still a bit unnerving to be scattered. It takes a while to find solid ground and grow roots. Even when you do, the other plants around you might be confused because you act differently than the others in your surroundings.

Peter knows that people will do a double take when they see that these “strangers in the world” are eager to do good, suffering for what is right, and fearless of the things that others fear. Similarly, if we are really walking the walk, our lives will look so drastically different that others will have to know why we are so dang hopeful. We’re hopeful because we “love life and see good days.” We “seek peace and pursue it.” We “live in harmony with one another,” following the command to “be sympathetic, love as brothers (and sisters!), be compassionate and humble.”

And let’s just give a shout out to Peter for calling us out before he even saw us using Christianity as a bragging right or status symbol or hoity toity cool club that other people just don’t get.

“Mmmmmkay. Don’t shove it in people’s faces and give Christianity a bad image. Check.”

But this is time to check myself. I don’t struggle much with that. I generally shy away from shoving anything in anyone’s face. My personality leans toward that of the Peacemaker. I just want everyone to get along. As a three-year-old nugget, I would even interrupt irritated conversations between my six-year-old brother and parents by saying, “EVERYBODY BE HAPPY!” And sometimes, in the world where disappearing is a defense mechanism, camouflaging my Christianity seems like a great solution. Just blend in and everyone will get along swimmingly, right? But let’s take another look. Good old Pete doesn’t say to hide our identities in Christ! He tells us to give our reason for hope with gentleness and respect.

Gentleness: the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered
Respect: due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others

This is coming from the guy who cut off a soldier’s ear, then denied Jesus three times in the courtyard. He had seen Jesus’ disappointment when he repaid others’ hatred with violence. He knew the shame that came after he answered accusations with the disownment of his best friend (who was also his Savior.) And he knew that that wasn’t the way Jesus would have dealt with either of those situations. When people arrested and tortured Jesus, He asked God to forgive them. And if you need to know Jesus’ answers to why His life looked a lot different than the norm, just look around for the red letters in your Bible. Jesus didn’t have to explain Himself. He could have turned water into wine and called it a day. But instead, He chose to spend years explaining (to sometimes deaf ears and dizzy disciples) just how much God SO loved the world.

So the next time someone asks you why you have out-of-this-world hope, or maybe even makes fun of you for being a little off, use gentleness and respect as ingredients as you cook up your response. Different situations call for different measurements. But your conscience will be clear, and Peter will be proud, if you use those ingredients wisely.

Inmost Esse 5

“Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

Here’s what hits me: There was nothing wrong with the boat.

Luke 5 tells us how Peter, James, and John left their boats and made a significant switch in their career directions. Thank goodness they didn’t waste all that money on a Bachelor in Fisher Arts program just to end up following around a basically homeless guy who seemed to consistently run out of fish, then eventually die proclaiming that guy’s name.

Peter, James, and John were all just doing their daily routine. Nowhere in the Bible does it mention that John ran home and cried every day because he was so unhappy, or that James was looking at classifieds for other opportunities, or that Peter was feeling unfulfilled and thinking about pursuing a career in performance art.

There was nothing wrong with fishing.

Jesus shanghaied Simon Peter’s boat and used it as a podium. Then when Jesus told good old Pete to put down the nets, he explained that the fish just weren’t coming that day, but that he would do it just because Jesus said so. Jesus’ message from the boat must have been pretty convincing. Then, their nets filled up so much that the nets started to break, so Peter called over James and John’s boat to help out, and then they BOTH were so full they started to sink.

See? Their boats were perfectly fine... that is, until God showed a plan that couldn’t stay within the confines of their vessels. Still, He used Simon’s rinky dink boat to preach, then to perform one of His early miracles.

But Peter did what so many of us do when we glimpse the way God can work through us. He reacted in self-doubt by falling to his knees and saying, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” And Jesus didn’t tell him to go and clean himself up so he could start service. He didn’t say he’d better get his sandals to seminary and take a shower and make sure his life was tidy and clean and then they’d meet up and lean in and reach out (and whatever else Christians do) later. He said, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” Jesus recognized that Peter was just afraid of stepping into the unknown, just like he would later be afraid to walk on the water. He made this new path relatable to the skill set He knew Peter had.

So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed Him. And later on, I’m sure they found it a little ironic that they ran out of fish. Especially when they were the guys that caught the fish in the first place! But God used that for a miracle, too.

Okay, so maybe there’s nothing wrong with my boat. But it looks like more work can be done onshore.

Inmost Esse 6

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I’m terrified of running out of battery. I’m one of those people that keeps things plugged in as long as humanly possible. iPad below 70%? Time to charge. I don’t know why I am this way. I read somewhere that due to my moon sign in Taurus, I have the tendency to save and save and save and worry about “running out” of this, that, or the other. Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot, moon… Or maybe it’s just due to my control complex. But then there are the people who run out of battery and ask you if you have a charger on you. Or are stuck charging their phone in the LinkNYC or some random restaurant bathroom because they didn’t plan ahead. They didn’t pack their phone charger or set it on power save or charge it all the way to 100 before they left the house. They let themselves get drained to the bottom before they asked for help. We treat our spiritual batteries a lot like our electronics. We get so excited that we charge and charge and charge, and eventually our battery life goes to crud because we didn’t let it experience highs and lows. In fact, we were charging on a false “high”- we were fair weather friends. Things looked okay, so following God was a breeze. But when we realize our battery has dropped to zero, we’re devastated. We were so self-righteous and proud. We were always at 100%, and, naturally, we don’t feel okay asking a stranger to borrow their charger or call out to the ghost of Steve Jobs for mercy. Or we run to empty and then finally cry out of desperation and scramble to foolishly juice up next to the stalls. Both are hazardous.

Let’s take a look at the Israelites. After Joshua died, they decided to unplug from the whole “Yahweh” thing and let their juice run out. They got distracted by the pretty girls in their new territory and decided it was okay to worship the other gods lying around. And without their spiritual juice, they were weak and lost battles. So it was up to the Judges to bring God’s charger and save them. But if they had followed God to begin with, they wouldn’t have had to live under the enemy rulers year after year. Did they ever learn their lesson? Not really. But for some reason, “the Lord had compassion on them as they groaned under those who oppressed and afflicted them.” (Judges 2:18b) He was the kind of friend who loaned a charger, not the one who said, “Why should I feel sorry for you when you wasted your battery playing Candy Crush the whole train ride?”

And then there was the rich young ruler. I know, we jumped forward a few years, but hear me out. If anyone was juiced up, he was. He thought he followed every commandment to a “t.” (...sure.) He even had the guts to tell this to Jesus Himself! But when it was brought up that his cashmere security blanket might need to be sacrificed for him to truly follow God, he shied away. His security all along had been in his good fortune, not his faith. And there he was: stuck in the middle and unable to commit to Jesus without looking back at his credit score. You can bet he crashed before he even got back to his bougie pad full of meaningless religious texts.

And then, we have Paul. He says so himself: by all the world’s standards, he was in full battery mode. He was powered-up in status and practice. He says in Philippians 3 that if anyone had reason to put confidence in the flesh, he did! He was a thoroughbred Jewish high brow. But he was so empty inside because he did not yet grasp the Gospel. He never noticed just how empty he was until he was actually blinded and brought to his knees. And everything changed. “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ… I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him.” (Philippians 3:7-9) And he encouraged others to see that sometimes, you need something to shake you to your core in order to admit your weakness and find true strength in your Creator.

Let’s admit it: If we rely on our own merits, we’ll run out of battery. Maybe it’s time to stop self-reliance, admit weakness, and accept true renewal.